What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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