Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
