You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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