Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
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Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
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Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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