And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
