Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
