Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Randomize
