My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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