I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
