My first STD was from a foam party
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
