I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
