i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
