there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Randomize
