the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
