I hope mine doesn't look like that
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
