i just wanna soil my oats bro
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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