Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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