Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed