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• (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.

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• (530): View more from California

  shit pants at work. discarded underwear.

  (1-530): View more from California

  just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?

  (530): View more from California

  yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.

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• (561): View more from Florida

  next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill

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• (330): View more from Ohio

  you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.

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• 

  23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce

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• (636): View more from Missouri

  I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public

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• (330): View more from Ohio

  come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned

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• (305): View more from Florida

  We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well

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• (410): View more from Maryland

  I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?

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• (774): View more from Massachusetts

  This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams

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• 

  The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral

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• (908): View more from New Jersey

  He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.

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• (941): View more from Florida

  We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.

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• (704): View more from North Carolina

  She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.

  (1-704): View more from North Carolina

  1. Thanks. 2. No.

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• (630): View more from Illinois

  dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.

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• (630): View more from Illinois

  My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?

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• (630): View more from Illinois

  YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE

  (1-630): View more from Illinois

  Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.

  (630): View more from Illinois

  you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed

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