Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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