You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
