im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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