Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
