i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Randomize
