I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
