someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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