don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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