my mouth tastes like poor choices
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
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It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
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How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
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