you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
