Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
