Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Yo dont text me then not text me
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
