When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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