The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize
