Why is your signature on my underwear?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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