By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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