i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
