if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
