I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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