hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
