I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
