I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
