So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
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