Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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