I am puke
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
