the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
