I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
