HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
