My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
