My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
