I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
