I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
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