she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
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