I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
either way he was missing a nipple.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
