How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
This is my gift to your gina
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
