Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
