im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
What a dumb baby whore.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
