Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
