Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
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