i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
